


Descent

by Selenay



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Character Death Fix, Drama, Episode Related, Episode: s05e21 Meridian, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-10
Updated: 2002-01-10
Packaged: 2017-10-24 16:49:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/265719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selenay/pseuds/Selenay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A 'fix' for Meridian. Daniel realises how much his friends mean to him and has to do something about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Descent

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't seen _Meridian_ yet, but I've seen the spoilers and hence this fic was born as my way of coping. In other words, there are a few vague possibilities for Meridian and not much else.

**Are you not happy, my son?**

**I'm . . . uh, content.**

**Can you not feel the universe around you? Does it not make your soul sing with joy?**

**Oma, never believe that I'm not grateful for what you've done. I am, really.**

** ?? **

**I miss my friends. I miss . . .** Jack, a whisper deep in his soul. **. . . miss home. But I'll get used to this. Eventually.**

Silence. Puzzlement. Amusement.

**Is it so hard to admit to missing him, child? I know what nature is, and it is your nature to be connected to him, even now.**

**I'm sorry, Oma. This is still too new for me. I will adjust. The nature of my existence changed in a moment and it is taking time to become . . . accustomed . . . to this life.**

**You were not ready when you came with us. You brought no one of your own. It is only right that you miss what you had.**

**But it is wrong for me to bring this pain to you.**

**We feel your pain and it saddens us. We thought only to enrich you when we made our offer.**

**You have. The things I know now, have experienced . . . I know that the alternative was death and this is existence is better.**

**Yet still you hunger for what you have left behind.**

Shame. **Yes.**

**And the hunger is growing deeper with time, not lessening.**

**Yes.**

**You could see them, if you wished.**

Hope. **I could?**

Amusement. Rippling laughter in his mind.

**You know you can. Did you think that we had taken control of your destiny? You may choose to see them if you need to. It has been done before, and will be again. Our kind are not as solitary as we might wish to be.**

**How?**

**Here . . . see . . .**

Knowledge flooding in. Images . . . ideas . . . places.

**It has always been there fore you. Waiting.**

**I see now. Thank you.**

**Return to us when you are ready, child.**

~ ~ ~

Far, far below him, Daniel could see tiny figures moving around on the grassy surface of yet another nameless planet. It looked just like most of the planets he had explored over his years of going through the Stargate - grass, rolling hills, a few trees and not much else. He could imagine Jack's snide comments about the empty landscape, the exasperated smile he would have exchanged with Sam and the faintly puzzled look on Teal'c's face as the Jaffa tried to understand the joke. It was just one of the many familiar rituals, almost good luck charms, that they had kept as a team.

A pang of longing shot through Daniel.

He floated down a little, feeling the air flowing around and through him, and the tiny figures drew closer. He could make out Sam's blonde hair, Teal'c's staff weapon . . . Jack standing a little apart from the team. There was a fourth figure down there, crouched over his pack, and Daniel would have sighed if he had breath. It had to happen eventually, he knew - SG1 had to have their fourth. But it was still painful to see someone else taking his place.

A bird passed straight through him, startling him so that for a moment he forgot himself and allowed some of his energy to escape as bright light. Daniel was sure he would never get used to the feeling of living creatures passing through him. It was just one of the many reasons he was having trouble adjusting to his non-corporeal state.

He quickly regained control and concentrated for a moment on becoming undetectable again. There was no sense in alarming anyone down there - he was just supposed to be watching them.

When he looked back down at the team below, for a moment he was surprised to find them much bigger than he remembered. Then he realised that during his brief loss of control he had drifted much closer to his friends than he had intended. He could see Sam looking at a sensor pack in her hands, frowning slightly, and hear their words.

"Sir, the EM readings spiked a moment ago," Sam was saying excitedly.

**Oops.**

Daniel felt a little guilty for that. Jack had probably worked out a quick 'in and out' recon mission and his inadvertent display had neatly dispatched that plan.

"Major, what could possibly do that out here?" Jack asked, gesturing at the empty planet with his P-90.

**Um, me? Sorry, Jack, didn't mean to do that. I promise not to do it again.**

"That's what I want to know," Sam said.

"Uh . . . there's no sign of civilisation," the unfamiliar archaeologist said, eyeing Jack uncertainly. "I think we're the first sentient beings to set foot on this planet."

"Now they tell me," Jack grumbled.

"That reading didn't come from nowhere," Sam countered. "Sir, we need to wait and see if it happens again. I might be able to track it."

**Sam, I think I can guarantee that won't be happening again. ** Daniel floated a little closer to his friends. **But you're welcome to wait. I'll just stay here for now. With you.**

"I'm telling you, there's nothing here that could have made that reading," the replacement said, still casting a wary eye at Jack.

Sam gritted her teeth. "And I'm telling you that we can't leave until we've checked it out. That's the way we do things here."

"But-"

"All right, all right," Jack cut in before an argument could start. "Carter's right. We'll scout around for a while, see what we can see."

"But-"

"That's an order, Doctor."

**Owch. That's a little harsh, Jack, even for you. It's not his fault that he isn't used to us . . . uh, you . . . yet.**

After Jack made a quick call back to the SGC to inform Hammond of the change in the plan, the team fanned out and began hiking over the grassy plain. Daniel flowed along with them and tried to drink in and memorise every feature and expression. On the surface there was barely any difference from the team that he had spent so much time with. Even the Replacement (as he was now calling the man in his mind) had fitted into Daniel's accustomed spot in the column.

**They've moved on. That's good. It is. I'm sure of it. Absolutely. Well, nearly.**

Daniel followed as they investigated the planet, stopping every now and again to take samples or allow Sam to shake her sensor with increasing frustration.

**Sorry, Sam, but there's nothing here that you can find.**

Eventually, as the sun began to sink towards the horizon, Sam moved to the front of the column and paced along next to Jack. "Sorry, Sir, but I think this has been a wild goose chase. I haven't found anything since the initial pulse."

Jack stopped and held up a hand to halt Teal'c and the Replacement. "Kids, I think this is it. If we leave now, we'll make it back to the Gate on schedule."

"Thank god," the Replacement prayed fervently.

Jack smirked at him. "You're welcome."

**Even I didn't walk into that one . . . more than once, anyway.**

"I-" The Replacement broke off, ran the possible argument through his mind and decided to give up.

"Yes?"

"Nothing, Colonel. Can we go now?"

**I think SG-1 could be coming up short one archaeologist soon.**

Again Daniel followed the group as they made their way back to the Gate, walking much faster now and covering the final half-mile at a pace that was just a fraction below a run. It was twilight when they reached the familiar raised dais that most of the Gates they encountered stood on. The MALP was a clumsy, unnatural presence next to the Gate despite the number of times he had seen similar scenes laid out.

**Have I changed so much that I can see that?**

There was a hum in the air around Daniel and then the familiar ker-woosh as the Gate blazed into activity.

"Everyone through," Jack ordered, shepherding the rest of the team through and keeping an eye on the empty plain. "Move it along, look smart."

The Replacement ran through, almost stumbling in his eagerness. Sam followed at a more dignified pace, still shaking her sensor even as she walked through the Gate. Teal'c nodded to the colonel as he left and Jack cast one eye at the dimming sky before stepping through.

**No!**

Without a thought for the consequences, Daniel flowed through the Gate after Jack.

Gate travel always felt odd without his body. There was no shocking cold, no moment of disorientation as all his molecules where chewed up, mixed around a little and then spat out again. Instead Daniel saw brilliant, coruscating colours swirl around and through him for a moment before he emerged into the familiar, noisy Gate-room. The first time Oma had taken him through a Gate, the shock and pleasure at the discovery had been overwhelming. She had taught him how to slow his passage through a Gate so that he could explore every beauty of a passageway that was far different from the breathless, near-painful wormhole that he had spent five years travelling through. Seeing and feeling the energy flowing all around him was as close to bliss as Daniel had ever known. Each time he had experienced it, the only thing that stopped it being perfect was the incomplete hole where his friends were. He wanted to show them what it was like, imagining Sam's pleasure at experiencing 'quantum something', Teal'c's stoic surprise or Jack's exuberant grin. Instead had he concentrated on what he did have - the joy at feeling energy pulse through him and the indescribable colours.

On balance, this was one of the better things about his ascension. Gate travel was now a pleasure rather than a dubious honour that frequently left him dazed, confused, and lying on a ramp with worried medics hovering over him. Although, if he was honest, it was not always him that the medics were treating and it was usually for something more severe than Gate disorientation.

A brief memory of searing pain . . . heat . . . and then it was gone. Daniel floated quickly away from the Gate.

As he had half expected, General Hammond was waiting on the ramp for his top team. It had occasionally occurred to Daniel that greeting SG-1 personally from each mission went above and beyond the general's job description. But Hammond seemed to have genuine affection for them above all the others, so maybe it should not be such a surprise.

"Colonel, did you find anything?" Hammond was asking as Jack loped down the ramp.

"Nothing. Nada. Squat," Jack reported briskly. "Trees."

"Oh."

Jack shrugged. "Yeah, well . . . can't expect every world to be filled with naquada and toys, sir. We're living with the disappointment."

"The readings that the Major found?"

"I left the MALP recording. We can check back in a couple of days to see if it picked anything up."

Hammond included the entire team in his smile, and from his invisible perch near the ceiling Daniel could see that it was as much for his benefit as theirs. "Well done, SG-1. Go and get check out by Doctor Fraiser. I'm scheduling the debriefing for 0800 tomorrow."

**Well done? Oh, well done that you all came back. Oh.**

Maybe General Hammond's attachment to SG-1 was not always a good thing. Daniel saw the quick, almost instinctual glance at the Gate as though he was looking for someone else to come through. He saw the flash of sadness in Hammond's eyes. For so long, SG-1 had been the team that always came back when everyone said it was impossible. Now, for the first time, one of their number had not come back and even after all these months Hammond felt that loss. Daniel felt strangely guilty for it.

Hammond's voice calling Jack back pulled Daniel out of his morbid thoughts and he watched as they waited for the Gate-room to empty.

"How is he working out?" Hammond asked with a quick glance towards the door that the rest of SG-1 had disappeared through.

Jack shrugged. "As long as Carter doesn't kill him, he'll be fine."

"Is there something I should know about?"

There was a slight grin on Jack's face. "They aren't getting along."

Hammond shook his head slowly. "Let me know if it's going to be a problem."

"Of course, Sir."

Was that a flash of exhaustion on Jack's face? Daniel dropped a few inches closer without realising, before deciding that he had imagined it. The two men below him nodded to each other, acknowledging everything they had not said, and Hammond smiled his understanding.

"Get down to the infirmary, Colonel, we can debrief tomorrow."

Jack made the appropriate motions and left the Gate-room.

Daniel debated for a moment. On the one hand, he should leave. He should push upwards, fly through lonely space to get to the nearest planet with an unguarded Stargate and then find Oma. Staying would be wrong. Was he really so selfish and morbid that he needed to know how much they were missing him?

On the other hand, Oma had told him not to return until he was ready. If he was strictly honest with himself, Daniel was not at all ready. These people had been his friends and family for so long that there was a place deep inside that felt incomplete without them.

**Without . . . him . . .**

No, he could not think about that now.

None of the alarms had gone off yet so Daniel decided to assume that nobody had picked up his presence. The heavy door to the Gate-room clanged shut and Daniel wished he could sigh. Passing through metal was almost as bad as passing through living creatures.

In one long rush, he whipped through rooms and floors to arrive at the infirmary before the team. There had always been a ritual about the infirmary visits as well. They chattered and bantered about the mission as Janet did her tests, Jack bitched about needles in his ass and Janet's nurses snickered as they watched the famed SG-1 reduced to mere mortals. Daniel watched it all with growing frustration. The Replacement had slotted in easily here too, although he bickered more with Sam than with Jack. Daniel thought he detected a note of resentment in Jack's voice as they argued but he quickly told himself that it was just his imagination.

Then the Replacement was scurrying out of the infirmary, muttering something about Norse mythology, and Teal'c was bowing solemnly to Janet before following. Sam called her cheerful goodbyes to the colonel and they were alone.

**Am I so selfish that I want them to be miserable without me?** A surge of guilt flooded Daniel's awareness. **Yes, I am. They know I'm not dead but still . . . it's the crystal skull all over again. If they do remember me, they'll blame it on radiation sickness.**

If Daniel had been solid, he knew he would have been flushing from head to toe at the wave of shame that washed over him. He should be glad that they were adjusting to life without him. Happy that there was no crippling grief. Content that his friends - these people he loved so much - had followed his wishes and moved on.

**Moved on . . . as I should. I have to. This is not my place anymore.**

Jack was sitting on his hard gurney in a curtained cubicle. For a while Daniel just watched as the colonel waited patiently for Janet. Curiosity eventually got the better of him and he glided over and through the curtain to settle in front of Jack. It was a strange feeling to see and feel someone at the same time. He could see every hair, pore and cell of Jack and at the same time his strength and vitality seemed to radiate to Daniel. He was entranced, held captive by the sheer presence of the man. It was the same sensation he had felt a hundred, a thousand, times in the past but magnified to such intensity that Daniel could not understand why no one else felt it. Without even being aware of it, he slowly drifted closer until the edges of his consciousness touched the colonel.

Jack lifted his head and looked around curiously. Daniel immediately shot back several inches.

**Damn. I mustn't do that.**

"Colonel? Are you decent?" Janet's voice called through the curtain.

"Yeah," Jack called back. "Come on in."

There was a faint light of mischief in her eyes when Janet pushed through, and Daniel hastily pulled himself into a corner so there would be no more accidental touching.

"Don't get dressed on my account," Janet said cheerfully.

"Cute, doc. Real cute."

"Aren't you a barrel of laughs tonight?"

Jack glared at her for a moment before breaking off and rubbing a hand over his face.

"Still getting headaches?"

He nodded.

"Sleeping ok?"

Jack's expression showed what he thought of that question.

"I can still give you the number of that counsellor," Janet said quietly as she made a note on the chart she was carrying.

"Doc, I do not need a shrink. I just need to be left alone."

"Grieving is only natural. Daniel was - is - your best friend and I'd be a lot more worried if you weren't missing him. But a grief counsellor could help you work through-"

"I do not need a therapist," Jack gritted out. "I'm-"

"Fine, I know." Janet fixed him with a quelling eye. "I also know someone else who used that line, and did you ever believe him?"

Jack said nothing, instead standing and gesturing to the opening in the curtain. "Can I go now?"

Heaving a disapproving sigh, Janet gave in. "Try to get some sleep. Please? If not for me, do it for Cassie. She misses you."

"That's emotional blackmail."

"I know."

Shaking his head, Jack strode away and Janet tut-ted under breath before walking into her office and slamming the door.

**Jack? I did that?**

~ ~ ~

Daniel felt strangely disconnected as he floated high above the ground. The city was little more than faint, glittering lights below him, spread across a darkened landscape that he could barely sense, let alone see. The disconnection was not the one he had felt since his ascension. That was merely a disconnection of not having physical sensations anymore and having to rely solely on sight and a strange hyper-awareness of everything around him.

No, this disconnection was new. He felt . . . alone. He had watched his friends, been among them for hours, yet he had felt alone. Daniel could no more take part in their lives than he could touch the bird that had flown through him earlier.

**I think I actually got used to people caring for me, touching me, and pulling me into their lives. When did that happen?**

Daniel felt a thermal pushing at the air around him, urging it to shift northwards a little. There would be rain soon, he knew without doubt.

**Jack needs me. I don't think I ever realised that before. I need him and he needs me.** Desperate longing filled his soul. **Just a little longer. Just . . .**

Thought became action and Daniel was soaring through the air, through trees, metal and stone, and into the house. There was no question how he had picked out this house from all the others; Jack was here and that was reason enough.

At first, Daniel thought that Jack's house was just the way he left it. There was a hockey game on the TV, the place was spotless and the chessboard even sat on the coffee table, a game half-played. But after a moment he realised that it was very different to the way it had been the last time he was here. The only light in the room came from the flickering TV set, and the sound was a quiet hum rather than the usual deafening roar that Jack watched hockey at. The man himself was sitting on his sofa in the half-dark, staring at the chessboard with a bottle of beer in his hand.

There were more changes around the room. A tribal mask hung over the fireplace that Daniel easily recognised as one of his. The alcoves no longer held low tables and cabinets with model aircraft carefully placed on top. Instead there were several bookcases, and when Daniel drifted closer he could see that they were his books arranged neatly by subject and author. With sudden insight, he flashed through the floor into the basement. The darkness was no longer a barrier to him in his new state and he could easily make out the piles of boxes marked "Daniel's stuff" and pieces of furniture that he had last seen in his apartment. When he made Jack the beneficiary in his will, Daniel had anticipated that the colonel would sell his possessions, donate the artefacts and books to museums and libraries, rather than keeping them here in his house. Why did everything still look as though the owner had simply gone away for a while, rather than leaving this world altogether?

Daniel floated slowly through the house, noting artefacts now carefully kept in odd places, his bed replacing the old single one in the guest room and Jack's sudden passion for photographs that strangely seemed to include a lot of Daniel. There was even the picture of Sha're that Daniel had kept on his desk.

Thoughtfully, Daniel glided back to the living room where he found Jack now standing at the window, staring into the night.

**I miss you, too.**

The compulsion he had felt earlier in the infirmary returned, and Daniel slowly drifted towards the silent man like an iron filing drawn to a magnet. He could not stop himself and, right now, he did not want to. With infinite care, he stretched out a tendril of his essence and gently touched Jack's cheek. Although he could not feel the skin he touched, Daniel immediately felt the loneliness leech from his soul and peace crept in.

**Home.**

A part of him could feel the energy in the atoms and molecules that made up Jack's body. But the less pragmatic part of his soul thought that he could feel the very vitality and life that had always made Jack shine from the crowds.

**Yes. Home. Love you.**

As the last thought slipped in, Jack turned and seemed to look straight at Daniel. Afraid that he had gone too far, allowed Jack to see something he should not, Daniel shot backwards and immediately felt incomplete as he lost contact. A flicker of grief passed over Jack's face before the stony wall Daniel recognised too well fell back into place.

**God, what did I do?**

Daniel fled into the night.

~ ~ ~

It was like an addiction now. He craved contact with them and could not deny himself. He managed to make himself feel a little better about it by visiting Sam in her lab rather than hanging around Jack's office, but he knew that the distinction was only a small one. Needing his friends had become so intense that trying to leave was impossible.

**Trying to leave Jack again is even worse.**

Now that he was back among them, even if it was only as a non-corporeal spirit, he was remembering all the reasons that he had stayed with them for so long. Sha're, Shi'fu . . . at first they had been his reasons, but eventually they became his excuses for staying each extra day. When Shi'fu left he knew that he could no longer pretend anything; he was staying to be with them, to be with Jack, and all the knowledge he might find out there was only a fringe benefit. How he ever thought he could leave them behind, even to save his own life, now baffled him. Daniel was lost without them.

**Without Jack.**

That tiny voice in his subconscious was beginning to become irritating.

Watching Sam allowed Daniel to see everything and everyone he had been missing. He followed her to lunch in the commissary with Janet, visited Teal'c vicariously, and watched a meeting with the General. The temptation to reveal himself had been almost overwhelming. As a hidden observer, he found new facets to his friends that he had never suspected before. Daniel discovered that, when no one was watching, Sam had a tendency to hum as she worked. He also found that there was a secret stash of chocolate in a desk drawer that she dipped into as she wrote down equations that made him dizzy to look at. The plants in her lab had multiplied since he left and there was a little Beanie seal perched on a computer monitor that he thought he remembered giving her a couple of years ago.

There were also several photos taped to bookshelves that he did not remember seeing before. In fact, everyone he had seen around the base had become photograph lovers, with pictures of loved ones and teammates taped into lockers and on spare spaces in their offices. Sam was by no means unusual in that respect. There was a picture of Jacob Carter, and another of both Carters and an unfamiliar man that Daniel presumed was Mark. A team photo in a frame sat next to a computer and another of just Jack and Daniel, grinning at each other like loons, had been taped to a shelf of flashing equipment. There was even a photo of Cassie and Janet at eyelevel to Sam's perch behind her desk. It was the first time since he had known her that he had seen this many personal touches in her lab.

Daniel floated closer to Sam and peered over her shoulder at the display on her computer monitor. She had been tying steadily for over two hours now but all her could understand from the document was the pronouns and punctuation. The rest was incomprehensible techno-babble to him.

**Maybe that stuff should get a formal description as a foreign language.**

Daniel idly wondered how long it would take a linguist to compile a techno/English dictionary.

Suddenly, Daniel was aware of a familiar energy pattern approaching rapidly and he forced himself to retreat to a corner and concentrate hard on remaining invisible and undetectable. He vaguely wished he had a body so that the breathless feeling he was currently experiencing would have a valid purpose. All day he had managed to avoid Jack, and now the man was here and Daniel could not manage to make himself leave.

**Addiction? Hell, yeah.**

"Carter, my computer beeped and went blue," Jack announced as he strode into the room, kindly not commenting at Sam's startled 'eep'. "What's wrong with it?"

"Sir?"

Sam had probably been so absorbed in her work that she had not even been aware that Jack was around until he began speaking. Daniel completely sympathised; it was rather startling when it happened and Jack had apparently decided to transfer his need to scare people onto her. Why Jack was not doing it to the Replacement would be an interesting question.

"My computer, Carter," Jack explained patiently. "It's dead. Why?"

"What were you doing at the time, sir?"

Jack shifted uncomfortably. "Nothing."

"Computers don't just crash."

"Do too."

Sam sighed and clicked something on her computer so that the SGC timeout screen appeared. "Can't you just call tech services?"

"They never answer," Jack lied smoothly. "It's much easier if I just come down here."

Daniel clearly heard Sam's "Easier for who?" muttered under her breath, although Jack had his head turned at the time and missed it.

"And if you come fix the damn thing, I can make you get something from the commissary and you'll have to take a break. You can't expect to work for six hours straight on an empty stomach."

**Six hours? Oh, look, time flies when you're . . . obsessed.**

Daniel watched Sam look guiltily at the clock as she, too, realised that it had been six hours since her last food break. This was something he had normally done for her: dragging her out of the lab when she started to look wide-eyed and tired after staring at a screen for too long. Alternatively she had taken him out when he started to forget how to speak English after spending too long translating Goa'uld or Egyptian. It was a vital part of their friendship - they took care of each other.

**Now Jack's doing it instead. He's trying to make up for me not being here. Oh, Jack.**

They were already leaving the lab, Jack cheerfully bitching about his crashed computer while Sam carefully tried to explain that taking the floppy disk out of the computer without closing the document always did that without insulting her CO. Daniel hesitated for a moment before giving into temptation again and following them.

**Just a few more hours. I'll leave then and never come back.**

~ ~ ~

Daniel almost managed to resist temptation. He was spiralling upwards to leave the planet, determined that this time he would do the right thing, when he suddenly changed course and headed back towards Colorado. It was not even a conscious decision - he was halfway there when he realised what he was doing and then he could not force himself to go back to his original course.

**Damn, I have to be stronger.**

Jack's living room was dark, lit only by the flickering TV again and Daniel spent a long moment hovering in the middle of the room watching him. The colonel's eyes were fixed on the chessboard again even though none of the pieces had been moved since last night. A couple of empty beer-bottles sat on the floor at his feet and a half-full bottle of whisky and a glass were prominent on the coffee table. As Daniel watched, Jack reached out with a slightly unsteady hand and poured a shot that he down in one long gulp, grimacing as it went down.

**I though you'd realised years ago that drinking to forget doesn't work. Whatever is wrong will still be there when you sober up, Jack.**

Jack poured another measure of whiskey but just held the glass, staring sightlessly into its depths.

"I must be going mad," Jack muttered quietly.

Daniel started at the unexpected sound, and then drifted closer to hear even though it was unnecessary. He could hear just as well from the far corner as he could from a foot away from Jack, but his human instincts often proved far more powerful than his intellectual knowledge.

**Head versus heart. The heart wins every time.**

"I keep thinking I can feel you, Danny," Jack continued. "The past couple of days, I keep feeling as though I'll turn around and see you there. I know it's nuts but . . ."

**I should leave. Now. I'm only hurting him. Forgive me, Jack?**

"So, I don't care if you're there or not but I'm going to pretend you are and talk to you. There are so many things I should have said before you left that I didn't. Don't know why I thought it was so important to keep quiet now."

**Hey, I'm here. Talk away - I'll listen.**

For a few minutes Jack was silent, swirling the whiskey around in his glass. "I'm not good at this talking stuff - even when you're not here. You were the talker; I was just the guy who shut you up all the time. I'm sorry for all that, I really am."

**I forgave you every time. I should have told you that.**

"I'm an ungrateful bastard, sometimes, and I know that you gave me a lot more than I ever gave you."

**You gave me more than enough. Every time you hugged me, or touched me, or smiled at me, it made me feel like I was finally coming home.**

"I wish I'd been a little braver, and little less buttoned-up military, and told you how much you mean to me."

**I'm here. You don't know it, but I'm here and I can hear every word.**

"I should have said that you were my best friend and I've never been closer to anyone in my life. I should have told you how much it meant to me that I was the one you called for when you were in pain. And I should have told you how much I needed you, how much I wanted you, and how much I loved you."

**Love? Jack?**

"I thought I had all the time in the world. I was going to wait until I retired before I sprang that little revelation on you but you had to go and fuck up my plans, didn't you?"

**I'm sorry just isn't enough, is it?**

"Damnit, Daniel, why did you have to leave?"

**I . . . don't know anymore.**

~ ~ ~

**My son.**

Daniel pulled himself away from his thoughtful contemplation of the city below, startled to realise that Oma Desala was only a few feet away and he had not even noticed her presence.

**Oma.**

**Has your time here not made you happy?**

**I don't know.**

**Is it still so hard to admit to loving him? Needing them?**

Certainty flooded through him. **No. I do love him - more than I thought possible. I need him. They each have a piece of me, and I am incomplete without them.**

**I am glad.**

**??**

**Never be afraid to admit to your humanity, my son. What you perceive as weakness is your greatest strength.**

**What can I do?**

**Do you still not understand? You may leave us any time you wish to. We understand.**

**But . . .**

**Yes?**

**Oma, I don't want you to feel that I'm rejecting your gift.**

Amusement. Exasperation. Love.

**For one so bright, you can be surprisingly difficult. We did not wish to lose such a unique spirit as yourself from the world, child, but you were not ready for our gift. You will not be rejecting it, merely postponing its acceptance until you are ready for all that it means.**

**Oh.**

**When the time is right we will come to you and we will celebrate your return. But only when you have done all that you need to.**

**How do I return to . . . uh . . .**

**How do you return to him? The knowledge is already there, child. Think and you will know it.**

**Thank you.**

**But know this: we cannot allow you to switch between us on a whim. When you are ready to return we will come to you, but if you are foolish enough to allow yourself to be killed again we cannot help you.**

**It's a one-shot deal.**

Gentle bemusement.

**'One-shot deal'. Yes, I think that describes it very well.**

**Blame Jack O'Neill. He is hell on my vocabulary.**

Rippling laughter.

**He gives you joy and teaches you - that is good. When we come for you, if there are others that wish to join with us we will be glad to bring them. They will be a much-needed breath of fresh, clean air just as you have been. I am sure that your Jack will enliven our conversation a great deal.**

**Yes, he does do that.**

**Fare you well, my son.**

A brush of warm affection against his soul, and then she was gone.

There was a long, slightly confused moment before Daniel processed what had happened. He could return, he could feel the knowledge of how to do it now that he knew it was there, and Oma had given her blessing for what he was about to do. Her title of Mother was strangely appropriate.

For the first time in years, Daniel felt pure joy pulsating through his soul in wonderful waves. Everything he had ever wanted was within his grasp. With a rush of pleasure, he realised that he was no longer hovering motionless above the city. Instead he was streaking through the night sky, performing a sort of victory dance high in the air. Despite the almost desperate need to see Jack again, Daniel decided to make one last flight. After all, it would be a long time before he could see the world like this again. Thought was instantly action and he was soaring over cities and seas, seeing and feeling everything below him. There were not just the lights from buildings; with his new senses he could feel the energy from each person and animal below him, the power in the waves and the weather, the slow, incredible energy inside the Earth herself. In those moments he knew more about the world about him than he had ever thought possible.

~ ~ ~

When he returned to Colorado Springs he bobbed hesitantly above Jack's house. It felt like years since he left, but he knew that barely an hour had passed.

**I hope this is right.**

The moment of self-doubt passed almost immediately. There was no longer any doubt in Daniel's mind that this was what he wanted, and he was almost certain that it was what Jack wanted too. Oma had blessed them both and known the truth longer than he had. The only thing holding him back now was his own fear, and that would fade the moment that he touched Jack. Just thinking about being able to touch that wonderful, warm skin again resolved him. He could not spend another day being near Jack and not being able to feel his skin, he could not leave him, and so he was going to do this.

Daniel carefully checked around him and was reassured to find that there was nobody at a window, watching Jack's house.

**Why would they be? Nobody should have any idea of what's about to happen.**

Knowing that nobody could see him now, Daniel allowed his control to slip away and slowly he began to glow. It was still an odd feeling to look down, expecting to see his body, and instead find a hazy, glowing mist so Daniel carefully did not try to look at himself. Instead he concentrated on making his face take shape at the centre of the shining mass. When he was as prepared as he could be, he slowly eased through the wall of the house.

Daniel popped through into the living room and spent a moment getting his bearings. There was a startled curse, a crash, and when he looked over Jack was standing up with a gun pointed at him. The bottle of whiskey was lying, unnoticed, on the floor.

It was probably more accurate to say that Jack was swaying as he stood, and the gun was waving in Daniel's direction rather than pointing. Jack had apparently downed a couple more shots while Daniel had been gone. The archaeologist wished that he could explain to the wide-eyed man in front of him, but until he had made the change he could not speak to Jack any more than Oma had been able to speak to him on Kheb. Daniel waited a moment and when it was apparent that Jack would not be shooting at anything for now, he drifted closer to the floor and concentrated.

He concentrated on what had been . . . who he was . . . how it felt . . . what he could become . . .

As he concentrated, Daniel felt energy gathering inside sending shocks of awareness and delight through him. The energy pulled at him, compressing and distilling his soul until he was a tiny speck that glowed as brightly as a star. There was a moment of balance, of teetering on the edge between one state and another, and then with a final burst of explosive pleasure he was flesh and blood standing in Jack's living room.

"What a rush!" he exclaimed before he had time to think.

"Daniel?" Jack asked hesitantly.

Daniel turned slightly and focused on the man still holding an unsteady gun on him. "Jack, don't be an ass. Put the gun away."

A brilliant smile lit Jack's face and he dropped the gun on the sofa. "Daniel!"

A moment later Daniel was enveloped in a hug and he was clinging back almost desperately as he felt a warm body pressed against him for the first time in months. Jack just held on, tightening his hold gradually as he slowly realised that, yes, this was actually Daniel and not a figment of his imagination.

"Jack," Daniel gasped after a minute, "Can't breathe."

Jack immediately let go and stepped back, shame written across his face. "Sorry, Daniel, didn't mean to . . . I . . ."

Firmly, Daniel stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the colonel again. "I said I couldn't breathe, not 'please run away'. Please, I need this. I haven't been able to touch anyone for a long time."

"Okay," Jack agreed quickly, returning the hug and rubbing a hand up and down Daniel's back.

"Thank you. That feels good."

It felt better than good. Daniel had never realised until now how much he depended on the physical sensation of touch. It was hedonistic, sensual and utterly selfish but feeling skin, hair and cloth beneath his hands, and being touched in return, was probably the best feeling in the world. He would be insisting on a lot more of it from now on and he would not be ascending again until he had satisfied his need for it. The knowledge that Oma had shown him would still be there the next time he ascended, but the physical life was only ever a passing state. Daniel's ascension had taught him how valuable that life was and he would be holding onto it until he was ready to let go again.

Eventually Jack pulled back, although he kept a hand on Daniel's arm and Daniel kept an arm firmly around his waist. He was not letting go anytime soon.

"So, what have you been up to?" Jack asked, almost managing casual apart from a betraying tremor in his voice.

"Oh, a bit of this and a bit of that," Daniel said, also trying to remain casual. "Mostly just hanging around."

"Ah." A beat. "Hanging around where?"

"Here and there. Here a lot for the past couple of days."

"Oh." Jack paled and then flushed. "Ah."

"I heard a lot of interesting things while I was hanging around."

Jack flushed a little more, but valiantly tried to keep casual. "Really? What kind of interesting things?"

"Some things that make me think that if I do this," Daniel reached up and lightly brushed his lips over Jack's, "you won't object."

"N-no, not objecting."

"Good. Because I need to do a lot more than just that."

Daniel risked a quick peek at Jack's eyes and saw surprised delight there mixed with uncertainty.

"Daniel?"

"Shut up and kiss me."

Not giving him time to respond, Daniel fastened his lips to Jack's and kissed him again. There was a heart-stopping moment of hesitation before Jack returned the kiss, pulling Daniel to him and making an in-depth exploration of his mouth. Daniel moaned and fell into it, the sensations almost painfully intense after the long months as a disembodied spirit.

Time seemed to hold still as they deepened the kiss until they had to tear away from each other or risk passing out from oxygen deprivation.

"Love you, Jack," Daniel murmured against his neck.

Jack lifted Daniel's face away from its hiding place so that he could look into the intense blue eyes. "You do?"

"Yeah."

"Cool."

Daniel waited a moment and then nudged Jack's ribs when he said nothing else.

"All right, all right, I'm pretty fond of you, too," Jack said grumpily.

"That's not what you said earlier," Daniel said seriously.

"You . . . uh, you heard that?"

"Yes. And I want you to know that you're my best friend, I love you, I forgave you for every 'shut up' a long time ago and you have given me more than you'll ever know."

Jack opened his mouth to speak a couple of times before shrugging and kissing Daniel again.

"I've never been good with words," Jack said against his lips, "but I do love you."

"That's all I need to know."

There was a long silence as they kissed, trying to absorb the feel of each other and imprint it on their memories. After a while Daniel realised what he was doing and pulled back slightly with an abashed grin.

"Jack, take me to bed."

"Are you sure? Isn't this a little . . ."

Daniel shrugged and carefully eased his hands under Jack's shirt to caress his bare back. "Maybe. But I need to. I haven't touched anyone since . . . since my ascension and I find that I need to feel someone - feel you more than anything else in the world right now."

"If you're sure . . ."

"Absolutely."

Jack captured one of Daniel's hands, brought it to his lips to kiss the palm and then began tugging him out of the living room. "Bed it is, then."

Daniel followed along gladly for a moment before a thought occurred. "Could you brush your teeth first? Beer and cheap whiskey - they aren't my favourite combination."

Jack regarded him with outrage for a moment before quickly running the argument through in his head and deciding it wasn't worth it. "Give me two minutes and I'm yours."

They exchanged grins before splitting, Daniel running for the bedroom and Jack for the bathroom.

***

Daniel was aware of eyes focused intently on him as he woke up feeling warm, happy and sated. He opened his eyes and looked up into brown eyes, filled with incredulous joy. Their naked bodies were still tangled together and the feel of warm legs between his and warm arms around him were real and solid proofs that this was actually happening.

"Hey," he murmured sleepily, his voice still husky with sleep.

"I didn't think you'd still be here," Jack said slowly. "I was sure I would wake up and find you'd just been another dream."

Daniel smiled at him before wrapped his arms around Jack's neck to pull him into a kiss. "Real enough?"

"Hell, yeah."

"Good."

A while later they lay facing each other, arms loosely around each other's waists.

"How long were you watching me for?" Daniel asked curiously.

"About four hours," Jack said with a shy grin. "I kept thinking that if I closed my eyes you'd disappear again."

"I didn't."

"No, you didn't." The happiness slowly faded away. "I guess you have to leave again, though."

"Yeah, I do." Daniel smiled at him and kissed his nose. "In about, oh say, thirty or forty years."

There was a long pause as the information slowly seeped in, and then Jack's smile lit up the room. "Years? You're staying?"

"I wasn't ready to leave here so Oma let me come back. Her people will return when the time is right."

"I guess I'll have to take advantage of the time I've got left with you then," Jack said, tightening his arms around Daniel's waist slightly.

"We have years before she'll return."

"That may not be long enough."

Daniel's blue eyes lit up at the love in Jack's voice and he decided that now was the right time to ask a question that he had not intended to ask for a long time. "When Oma comes, would you go with me?"

Jack gazed at him thoughtfully as Daniel held his breath. That one quiet question would put the seal on this relationship beyond this world and into another, maybe for eternity. Or on the other hand, it could frighten Jack so much that he would never want to be near Daniel again.

"Yes," Jack breathed, and kissed Daniel slowly. "Wild horses couldn't stop me."

*finis*


End file.
